Monkey Mind

Since I have been diagnosed, lupus has changed my mental pace due to the on-going flares and mind fog, forcing me to slow down. My memory fades when I push it too hard, my body gets easily tired after a busy day, and staying focused on daily tasks is much harder.

Thanks to this change, positive things have emerged.

I have spent more time in bed, snoozing and reading books when I am feeling better. This unplanned break has given me the opportunity to go through some beginner’s meditation books, and to look inside myself to recognize hidden emotions that have been avoided for years.

During audio-guided mindfulness meditation, I noticed how anxious I am. A continuous mix of thoughts and emotions; a melting pot of gratitude, frustration, sadness, fear, love, and embarrassment of having a chronic disease.

My heart started to beat fast, and I could see my distress of letting it go.

Going through this meditation made me jump into my invisible wounds. I listened to my desire to heal my body, hoping everything would go back to what it used to be. My suffering was coming from focusing on the past, instead of appreciating what the present has to offer.

The Mental Trap

I have been trying to sugarcoat negative emotions, moving on to the next activity, just like a bouncing ball without really taking care of my real issues. I have always believed that whining, or worrying about what may happen is not really useful, nor helpful. But it is so hard to put my theory into practice.

While I still believe the above is true, meditation has forced me to be more attentive to my thoughts, and better understand how they are connected with my fears and concerns. I didn’t realize how much they were bothering me.

Healthy Mind, Healthy Body

Better understanding what blocks my happiness is helping me figure out what I need to do to feel better and act on it. It’s like making an informed decision. Letting go of my previous ‘suck-it-up and move on attitude’ helps me reset my goals to something I can actually achieve.

This process is a big adjustment for me, but I want to learn. I NEED to learn, otherwise, I won’t be able to enjoy life as is.

My imperfect meditation practice during these past weeks has worked as an effective boot-camp therapy, to identify and accept my negative emotions, lean in into them and find new answers. I will continue my journey, and keep you posted.

What about you, have you tried meditating yet?

Yours truly,

Hope

“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
― Brené Brown